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In 2007 we started a blog. We have since stopped but may add things from time to time. This blog originally appeared on Myspace and is still there.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Foul-mouthed restauranteur, celebrity chef and television personality, Gordon Ramsay visited Haywards Heath last week to give the town a taste of his unique brand of four-letter cuisine.

Ramsay (60) cooked up a s**t storm at Haywards Heath station by treating commuters to barbecued steak on French bread. We asked commuters what they thought of the spread.

"Fu**ing lovely." said one.

Another said,

"Before I tasted this steak bap I can honestly say I though Gordon was a fu**ing wa**er, I mean a total fu**king c**k but now I've changed my tune. This is really nice and he's a absolutely great bloke. My wife wasn't there so she still thinks he's a c**t. But he really isn't."

C**t, wa**er or culinary genius you cannot argue with the reception Gordon received. All who attended the event described it as f**ing amazing.

Peter Spandau, the council's food Tsar made this statement to the assembled press;

"In the spirit of the event I can, on behalf of the council, say we are all fu**ing delighted to welcome Mr Ramsay to Haywards Heath and hope he doesn't uncover too may 'kitchen nightmares' during his visit!".

A spokesman for Channel 4 later confirmed that Mr Ramsay was visiting Haywards Heath as part of filming for his new series of Kitchen Nightmares.

We caught up with Gordon just before he left the station and he had this to say;

"I really fu**ing enjoyed my afternoon in Haywards Heath even though the fu**ing weather has been fu**ing s**t, it's been fu**ing pi**ing down all fu**ing afternoon. But f**k that, I'm not going to let a few fu**ing drops of s**t weather spoil things for these commuters. The poor fu**ing fu**ers have been at fu**ing work all fu**ing day, no doubt taking no more than 5 fu**ing minutes out of their fu**ing busy day to visit some s**t-hole fu**ing sandwich dump only to fu**ing have some fu**ing c**t fu**ing charge them fu**ing five fu**ing pounds for some fu**ing limp fu**ing sandwich that fu**ing tastes like fu**ing dog fu**ing s**t and has fu**ing probably been fu**ing sitting on the fu**ing shelf for 3 fu**ing weeks. The fu**ing least I can fu**ing do is fu**ing treat them to some fu**ing good fu**ing food. So I fu**ing did the fu**ing lucky c**ts".

A spokesman from the Guinnes Book of Records later confirmed that Mr Ramsay had broken the world record for the number of expletives in one statement to the press.

We can only congratulate Mr Ramsay on his new world record and his successful visit to Haywards Heath.We're also glad that Anthony Worral-Thompson hasn't visited.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Haywards Heath Town Council held a press conference today to answer questions relating to phase 1 of its bold plans to address health and safety concerns associated with walking. Following a 9 month study undertaken by over 100 health and safety experts the Council last week completed work on a range of pavement markings and pedestrian mini-roundabouts aimed at cutting incidents on pedestrian routes along South Road.

Speaking at a press conference today, the Council's pedestrian Tsar, Lionel Confetti, said;

"After extensive research the Council reached the conclusion that the pavements that line South Road were no longer functioning with a satisfactory level of safety. For this reason, the Council last week launched phase 1 of its pavement safety programme and introduced a lane system ensuring that pedestrians walk on the left at all times. It's now been in operation for a week and we're very satisfied with the results".

The study headed by internationally renowned Dutch health and safety consultant Dr. Peter Van der Brand Vlucht added,

"At present, bi-ped units utilising the foot-ways along study area A [South Road] appear to make directional assessments based entirely on free will. From a health and safety perspective, the use of free will to govern directional decisions introduces 67.93% of additional risk of collision between units. They need to be made to walk in the same direction, and if they don't like that, they can go and live somewhere else."

When asked if the new pavement regulations were yet another instance of health and safety 'gone mad', Tsar Confetti responded with, "That's what people were saying when we banned facial hair on Council property, but our studies have shown that no beard, moustache, excessive side-burn or goatee related work place accidents have been reported by staff in the last 12 months. You can't argue with those statistics and I have every confidence that this scheme will be as successful."

However, not everyone in Haywards Heath shares the Council's enthusiasm for the scheme. Shop-keepers in particular are up in arms over the new markings. Marty DiBergi, spokesman for the South Road Shop Keepers Association said, "We can't believe it quite frankly. If you're in the wrong lane, or worse still going in the wrong direction it's almost impossible to cross the foot way as oncoming pedestrians rarely let you in, so you have to walk up to the nearest roundabout and double back which in fact isn't a particularly safe manoeuvre. I've seen three prangs at the Oxfam roundabout in as many hours. On a busy Saturday, it's chaos."

The introduction of double yellow lines has so far been the most controversial element of the plan. "You can no longer stop outside a shop and browse at the goods on display in the window". Said DiBergi. "This is a particular problem for shops like Tropical Antiquities, or whatever they are called, you know the old Mr Video place. Anyway since it's not obvious what they actually sell without taking a look in the window, they'll probably go to the wall unless word gets around that they sell sustainable bamboo CD racks and other wooden things".

And it's not just shop-keepers who are struggling with the new regulations, members of the shopping public are facing problems too. We interviewed several pedestrians in a designated standing bay.

"My husband has just been given a £30 fixed penalty notice for standing outside La Senza while I went in to buy some feminine garments. I could hardly take him in could I, but the pedestrian warden wasn't interested. I'm gob smacked." And this lady wasn't the only person to run into problems.

"I passed Country Casuals, and a lovely taupe trouser suit caught my eye." said one lady shopper. "I signalled to cross the foot way but nobody would let me in and with people queueing behind me, some using the F word, I had to go all the way down to the roundabout outside Fludes carpet centre and and do a U-turn. When I finally got back to country Casuals the last remaining size 16 had been sold. I was fuming." And the tales of woe continued,

"My friend and I were having a coffee outside Costa when we were clamped because we'd been there more than half an hour. Luckily I had enough money to pay my release fee but my friend was towed away. I haven't seen her for three days."

Commenting on these comments, Confetti responded commenting, "I am aware of the clamping incident and can confirm that the lady in question has since been crushed. Regarding problems of congestion, we are considering introducing a one way system or maybe lights to control the flow of people at busy periods. We're not going to let these initial teething problems deter us and fully intend to press ahead with phase two of the plan".

When quizzed about phase two Confetti revealed a few details. "Our study has shown that running presents a significant risk to pedestrian safety. We shall therefore be introducing a 3 mph walking speed limit on all our pavements and enforcing this with mobile and fixed safety cameras."

Asked how pedestrians will be identified in safety camera photographs, Confetti replied, "Well, obviously, people will have to wear number plates which means some kind of licensing system. We plan to introduce test centres where people can have their walking skills assessed and obtain a solo walking licence. People who do not meet the basic walking standards will be issued with a provisional licence and will have to be accompanied by a fully licensed pedestrian until they've passed their test. Clearly, anyone under 17 will have to be accompanied at all times. It's common sense when you think about it."

We'd planned to put more questions to Mr Confetti but the press conference was called to an abrupt halt when two officials from a local government audit team entered the room and exchanged hushed words with Confetti. As Confetti made his way to the exit we quizzed him on how much the whole scheme was costing.

"I have no idea how much has been spent, but it's a lot. I mean an absolute shit load of money. If we actually counted it, it would be frightening, so we've not counted it. Anyway, it's not a problem. We'll get the money from the education budget by letting children leave school at 14. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plane to catch."

So it seems the lines are here to stay at least until the completion of a serious fraud investigation into cash for lines. It's too early to say if the Council will call a halt to the scheme but our sources within the heath and safety department have said that if they had their way, the whole town would be subject to the same regulations that apply to South Road. We can only hope this is the case.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Friday, March 16, 2007

Monday, March 12, 2007

Can I just say what glorious weather we've had in Haywards Heath today. It was the perfect day to enjoy one of Haywards Heath's many premium coffee outlets. We have a Starbucks (based in Sainsburys); a Costa, conveniently located near the traffic lights on South Road and the semi-covered Orchards Shopping arena boasts an independent coffee house AND a branch of German concept store and cafe Tchibo (we think pronounced Tschitbo). So, Burgess Hill, put that in your crack pipe and smoke it.

Talking of Burgess Hill, someone has set up a 'community' web site with the frankly disgraceful address www.haywardsheathandburgesshill.co.uk. We can only assume this is some kind of sick joke, although they do have an extensive list of veterinarians and pet shops.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Friday, March 02, 2007

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Saturday, February 03, 2007