The average sized town between London and Brighton on the A272

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In 2007 we started a blog. We have since stopped but may add things from time to time. This blog originally appeared on Myspace and is still there.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Gordon fu**ing Ramsay f**ng visits fu**ing Haywards fu**ing Heath
Category: Food and Restaurants

Foul-mouthed restauranteur, celebrity chef and television personality, Gordon Ramsay visited Haywards Heath last week to give the town a taste of his unique brand of four-letter cuisine.

Ramsay (60) cooked up a s**t storm at Haywards Heath station by treating commuters to barbecued steak on French bread. We asked commuters what they thought of the spread.

"Fu**ing lovely." said one.

Another said,

"Before I tasted this steak bap I can honestly say I though Gordon was a fu**ing wa**er, I mean a total fu**king c**k but now I've changed my tune. This is really nice and he's a absolutely great bloke. My wife wasn't there so she still thinks he's a c**t. But he really isn't."

C**t, wa**er or culinary genius you cannot argue with the reception Gordon received. All who attended the event described it as f**ing amazing.

Peter Spandau, the council's food Tsar made this statement to the assembled press;

"In the spirit of the event I can, on behalf of the council, say we are all fu**ing delighted to welcome Mr Ramsay to Haywards Heath and hope he doesn't uncover too may 'kitchen nightmares' during his visit!".

A spokesman for Channel 4 later confirmed that Mr Ramsay was visiting Haywards Heath as part of filming for his new series of Kitchen Nightmares.

We caught up with Gordon just before he left the station and he had this to say;

"I really fu**ing enjoyed my afternoon in Haywards Heath even though the fu**ing weather has been fu**ing s**t, it's been fu**ing pi**ing down all fu**ing afternoon. But f**k that, I'm not going to let a few fu**ing drops of s**t weather spoil things for these commuters. The poor fu**ing fu**ers have been at fu**ing work all fu**ing day, no doubt taking no more than 5 fu**ing minutes out of their fu**ing busy day to visit some s**t-hole fu**ing sandwich dump only to fu**ing have some fu**ing c**t fu**ing charge them fu**ing five fu**ing pounds for some fu**ing limp fu**ing sandwich that fu**ing tastes like fu**ing dog fu**ing s**t and has fu**ing probably been fu**ing sitting on the fu**ing shelf for 3 fu**ing weeks. The fu**ing least I can fu**ing do is fu**ing treat them to some fu**ing good fu**ing food. So I fu**ing did the fu**ing lucky c**ts".

A spokesman from the Guinnes Book of Records later confirmed that Mr Ramsay had broken the world record for the number of expletives in one statement to the press.

We can only congratulate Mr Ramsay on his new world record and his successful visit to Haywards Heath.We're also glad that Anthony Worral-Thompson hasn't visited.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Council Introduces Pavement Roundabouts
Category: News and Politics

Haywards Heath Town Council held a press conference today to answer questions relating to phase 1 of its bold plans to address health and safety concerns associated with walking. Following a 9 month study undertaken by over 100 health and safety experts the Council last week completed work on a range of pavement markings and pedestrian mini-roundabouts aimed at cutting incidents on pedestrian routes along South Road.

Speaking at a press conference today, the Council's pedestrian Tsar, Lionel Confetti, said;

"After extensive research the Council reached the conclusion that the pavements that line South Road were no longer functioning with a satisfactory level of safety. For this reason, the Council last week launched phase 1 of its pavement safety programme and introduced a lane system ensuring that pedestrians walk on the left at all times. It's now been in operation for a week and we're very satisfied with the results".

The study headed by internationally renowned Dutch health and safety consultant Dr. Peter Van der Brand Vlucht added,

"At present, bi-ped units utilising the foot-ways along study area A [South Road] appear to make directional assessments based entirely on free will. From a health and safety perspective, the use of free will to govern directional decisions introduces 67.93% of additional risk of collision between units. They need to be made to walk in the same direction, and if they don't like that, they can go and live somewhere else."

When asked if the new pavement regulations were yet another instance of health and safety 'gone mad', Tsar Confetti responded with, "That's what people were saying when we banned facial hair on Council property, but our studies have shown that no beard, moustache, excessive side-burn or goatee related work place accidents have been reported by staff in the last 12 months. You can't argue with those statistics and I have every confidence that this scheme will be as successful."

However, not everyone in Haywards Heath shares the Council's enthusiasm for the scheme. Shop-keepers in particular are up in arms over the new markings. Marty DiBergi, spokesman for the South Road Shop Keepers Association said, "We can't believe it quite frankly. If you're in the wrong lane, or worse still going in the wrong direction it's almost impossible to cross the foot way as oncoming pedestrians rarely let you in, so you have to walk up to the nearest roundabout and double back which in fact isn't a particularly safe manoeuvre. I've seen three prangs at the Oxfam roundabout in as many hours. On a busy Saturday, it's chaos."

The introduction of double yellow lines has so far been the most controversial element of the plan. "You can no longer stop outside a shop and browse at the goods on display in the window". Said DiBergi. "This is a particular problem for shops like Tropical Antiquities, or whatever they are called, you know the old Mr Video place. Anyway since it's not obvious what they actually sell without taking a look in the window, they'll probably go to the wall unless word gets around that they sell sustainable bamboo CD racks and other wooden things".

And it's not just shop-keepers who are struggling with the new regulations, members of the shopping public are facing problems too. We interviewed several pedestrians in a designated standing bay.

"My husband has just been given a 30 fixed penalty notice for standing outside La Senza while I went in to buy some feminine garments. I could hardly take him in could I, but the pedestrian warden wasn't interested. I'm gob smacked." And this lady wasn't the only person to run into problems.

"I passed Country Casuals, and a lovely taupe trouser suit caught my eye." said one lady shopper. "I signalled to cross the foot way but nobody would let me in and with people queueing behind me, some using the F word, I had to go all the way down to the roundabout outside Fludes carpet centre and and do a U-turn. When I finally got back to country Casuals the last remaining size 16 had been sold. I was fuming." And the tales of woe continued,

"My friend and I were having a coffee outside Costa when we were clamped because we'd been there more than half an hour. Luckily I had enough money to pay my release fee but my friend was towed away. I haven't seen her for three days."

Commenting on these comments, Confetti responded commenting, "I am aware of the clamping incident and can confirm that the lady in question has since been crushed. Regarding problems of congestion, we are considering introducing a one way system or maybe lights to control the flow of people at busy periods. We're not going to let these initial teething problems deter us and fully intend to press ahead with phase two of the plan".

When quizzed about phase two Confetti revealed a few details. "Our study has shown that running presents a significant risk to pedestrian safety. We shall therefore be introducing a 3 mph walking speed limit on all our pavements and enforcing this with mobile and fixed safety cameras."

Asked how pedestrians will be identified in safety camera photographs, Confetti replied, "Well, obviously, people will have to wear number plates which means some kind of licensing system. We plan to introduce test centres where people can have their walking skills assessed and obtain a solo walking licence. People who do not meet the basic walking standards will be issued with a provisional licence and will have to be accompanied by a fully licensed pedestrian until they've passed their test. Clearly, anyone under 17 will have to be accompanied at all times. It's common sense when you think about it."

We'd planned to put more questions to Mr Confetti but the press conference was called to an abrupt halt when two officials from a local government audit team entered the room and exchanged hushed words with Confetti. As Confetti made his way to the exit we quizzed him on how much the whole scheme was costing.

"I have no idea how much has been spent, but it's a lot. I mean an absolute shit load of money. If we actually counted it, it would be frightening, so we've not counted it. Anyway, it's not a problem. We'll get the money from the education budget by letting children leave school at 14. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plane to catch."

So it seems the lines are here to stay at least until the completion of a serious fraud investigation into cash for lines. It's too early to say if the Council will call a halt to the scheme but our sources within the heath and safety department have said that if they had their way, the whole town would be subject to the same regulations that apply to South Road. We can only hope this is the case.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Council Lifts Dancing Ban
Category: Parties and Nightlife

In a move that has surprised everyone, Haywards Heath Town Council this afternoon lifted its long-standing ban on dancing following growing pressure from local teens. The ban, which has been in place for over 3 years, came into effect following a fatal car accident involving teens high on drink and party spirits. Opposition to the ban had been steadily gathering momentum since the arrival in Haywards Heath a couple of weeks ago of big-city kid, Ren McCormack. Mr. McCormack had on numerous occasions stated publicly his opposition to the ban, winning him few friends among local parents. His best friend, Willard Hewitt, this afternoon gave him full support saying, "They said he'd never win. But he knew he had to".

McCormack, a rebel with a cause, has made a few enemies along the way. Local clergyman and influential member of the town council, Reverend Shaw Moore branded McCormack as "a trouble maker" upon his arrival in Haywards Heath. Reverend Moore's daughter, Ariel Moore, was more charitable describing McCormack as, "hot".

McCormack started out as somewhat of an unlikely hero among his fellow students. Friends report that his arrival in school was initially greeted with low level bullying from members of several school sports teams. McCormack later won the hearts and minds of many teens after defeating local pretty boy and boyfriend of Ariel Moore, Chuck Cranston, in a game of chicken at Beech Hurst gardens. The pair reportedly went head to head on stolen Mountfield riding mowers on the garden's pitch and putt course. McCormack has since admitted he only won because his shoelace got caught on the accelerator pedal of his Mountfield 725M Compact Rider.

In an interview McCormack admitted that times had been tough and it hadn't always been easy fitting in. "Sure, I did find it hard. People seemed to have a problem with me from day one." When asked how he coped with the pressure of being an outsider in a small town McCormack said, "When it all got too much I just got in my VW Beetle, drove to an abandoned unit on the Burrell Road industrial estate, and danced. It was my release and how Ariel and I first got it on."

To celebrate lifting the ban McCormack has helped arrange a dance for local teens and in the process has been teaching friend, Hewitt, a few moves for the big day. Hewett said of the lessons, "When we started I was all over the place. But Ren is a great teacher, and with the help of a thumping dance track by Denise Williams I soon found my natural rhythm".

It seems then that Haywards Heath has now buried the ghosts of that fatal evening that led to the ban and a new joy has found it's place in the hearts of local youths and some parents. Dancing, it would seem, doesn't kill after all.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Broadbridges - Gentlemanly Elegance
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping prides itself on its independent status. Free from commercial tie-ins we can speak freely on a range of subjects and don't accept money in return for commercial endorsement, unless you ask us to. However, we are firm believers in promoting local businesses if we feel they deserve it which is why, in spite of receiving no commercial sponsorship from them, we're still proud to showcase this month's feature retailer Broadbridges Mens and Boyswear.

At some time or other, most gentlemen in Haywards Heath have had their wardrobe enhanced by items from Broadbridges' extensive collection. From beach and pool-side fashions to smart casual sport slacks and formal evening dress, Broadbridges can take any man and turn him into the epitome of English sartorial elegance.

Broadbridges flagship fashion showroom has been a feature of the Haywards Heath high street since 1934 and sensibly closed its store in Burgess Hill and relocated its second branch to Horsham some 10 years ago. During the 1980's Broadbridges included the 'Man Shop' sub-brand but now trades exclusively under the trusted 'Broadbridges' name.

Unlike many high street fashion retailers Broadbridges is highly skilled in kiting out the gentleman from head to toe and can offer advice on sirt/tie combinations, appropriate footwear choices, fabric suitability, and accessorising with cravats, handkerchiefs, cufflinks, belts and head-wear. They also offer tailored after-sales adjustments on their pret-a-porter jean and trouser ranges and stock the classic Corby trouser press in a wide range of styles and colours.

So, if you need to refresh your wardrobe for this years summer season we think you'll find everything you need at Broadbridges. Why not visit their web site at Sorry ladies, this one is for the gentleman only.

If you'd like to share your experiences of Broadbridges, please leave a comment.

Next month - The Business Shop incorporating The Business Bureau.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Unholy Alliances and Nice Weather
Category: Life

Can I just say what glorious weather we've had in Haywards Heath today. It was the perfect day to enjoy one of Haywards Heath's many premium coffee outlets. We have a Starbucks (based in Sainsburys); a Costa, conveniently located near the traffic lights on South Road and the semi-covered Orchards Shopping arena boasts an independent coffee house AND a branch of German concept store and cafe Tchibo (we think pronounced Tschitbo). So, Burgess Hill, put that in your crack pipe and smoke it.

Talking of Burgess Hill, someone has set up a 'community' web site with the frankly disgraceful address We can only assume this is some kind of sick joke, although they do have an extensive list of veterinarians and pet shops.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Bolnore Village - Local Coup
Category: News and Politics

Those local to Haywards Heath and loyal visitors to will be aware of the existence of Bolnore Village, a small enclave on the outskirts of Haywards Heath's main living and shopping arenas. The 'Village', not to be confused with that one out of the TV series 'The Prisoner' is a recent development probably 5 years old or so or perhaps more or less. Originally content to be part of Haywards Heath, using our water, electricity, gas, air and telephone exchange, rumors are now rife that Bolnore Village is making firm steps toward full independence.

A chance encounter on Google revealed this website run by Bolnore freedom fighters, To the casual observer this may look like any other community web site but reading between the lines it's clear that Bolnore Village is on the brink of a bid for full independence and sovereign status, possibly involving the return to pre-decimal currency.

The opening line on the web site reads "Welcome to our virtual village!". Previously, this had been taken to mean that Bolnore Village itself was not actually real and just a made up village that formed part of Haywards Heath. Indeed, in order to perpetuate this cover story the 'History of Bolnore' section of the site contains little information, just some old map with a bit of field coloured in pink. Other elements of the cover story include the use of Haywards Heath pub 'The Dolphin' as their local and a link to Zizis, the Italian style restaurant in the heart of Haywards Heath. But, sources from within the compound have revealed that residents consider themselves to be villagers of a village and not loyal citizens of Haywards Heath.

Having carried out no surveillance whatsoever we can reveal that several residents are tooling up for a fight that could see open warfare return to Victoria Park, the site of many fictitious clashes between pupils of Warden Park and Oathall where cans of Bruit 33 would be lit and sprayed at attackers (do not try this at home). Residents have been seen loading several hooked weapons into the back of their cars on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Each freedom fighter carries around 12 individual weapons in a custom weapons bag. Some bags are equipped with all terrain wheels for rapid deployment across rough terrain. Research into one weapons manufacturer 'Ping', revealed this chilling and no doubt copyrighted description of the 'Rapture Iron'

"(the) Rapture Iron relies on strategic use of titanium, steel and tungsten to create a high-performance, multi-material iron. Careful analysis and application of each material yields forgiveness and trajectory improvements while creating a face and cavity design that produces a solid, pleasing feel and sound." to which we have added "when striking someone from Haywards Heath in the face". (which doesn't reflect the views of Ping or it's management team and don't try that at home either).

In spite of growing tensions between Haywards Heath and Bolnore Village, some commentators, however, believe that the freedom fighters are in a minority and that full scale independence is unlikely. Careful analysis of the Forums and Votes section suggests that many (up to 7) residents are happy to continue being a pretend village.

In posing the question,

"In keeping with the rest of the village, the 'Sales and Marketing suite' should be re-named and given a mock history. What would you call it:?
Bolnore Barn: Where the squire of Bolnore House would keep his haystacks"

attracted the most votes (3).

Opinions remain divided on the exact intentions of Bolnore Village residents and the use to which the web site will be put. Are they American style far-right hillbilly militia types bent on defeating the neo-con hawks of Mid Sussex District Council? Or, are they just ordinary people looking for a simple way of life, somewhere to securely park their premium German cars and swap wives every first Saturday of the month? Or are they something else? Our fundamental lack of research into this whole issue has led us to conclude that we don't know and probably shan't ever mention it again.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Haywards Heath News Hound - Gay Week
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

Following the success of Haywards Heath Town week and the French and German farmers market events, Haywards Heath events organisers are putting the finishing touches to their latest community event. The last few weeks have seen fervent activity as the event committee considered literally several themes. But, after extensive consultation with the community the committee announced that the characteristically open-minded people of Haywards Heath have put their full support behind homosexual week.

"We're really pleased the public chose this theme" said Gavin Truss, a local community leader and chairman of the event committee. "We've got some great events planned and we're sure everyone in the community will have a fabulous week", continued Truss.

The full plans for homosexual week have yet to be published but committee members have proudly revealed some of the events likely to take place. Clair Hall will be screening some classic homosexual films including the Wizard of Oz, Cabaret and The Fast and the Furious. Local amateur dramatics societies are teaming up on Saturday evening to put on a three hour concert featuring over 50 legendary show tunes. Wednesday is makeover day with local men invited to have their wardrobes overhauled. Tuesday is ladies day where divorced women in the 40s are encouraged to talk to the town's more sensitive men about their problems before going out for a night on the town in a non threatening atmosphere.

The highlight of the week will almost certainly be the town parade.

"The parade is definitely the not to be missed event" said Peter St.Scott, chairman of the town's parade sub-committee. "It's a great opportunity for people who are a bit like that to be open about it for just a few hours. I'm sure the crowd will find their antics very entertaining" continued St.Scott.

Production of the committee's float is well advanced explained St.Scott, "I've already had a sneak preview of the committee's 'Are You Being Served' Float. It's got a paper mache Mr. Humphries with a mechanical limp wrist. It's absolutely hilarious but we thought also very respectful and dignified. We're sure that, had we asked them, gay men would say Mr Humphries is the kind of role model they look up to".

St.Scott went on to say, "There are still a few slots left on the parade so I've asked the local paper to publish the names of other people the committee suspect to be homosexual to encourage them to take part."

In spite of the overwhelming support for the event it's not without its critics. Both members of the lady homosexual community have spoken out against the event claiming its overwhelmingly biased in favour of the male homosexual.

"It's all about makeovers and glitzy parades there's nothing in it for us" claimed local lady homosexual Francesca Stark. "We suggested hoisting a few workshops on the Monday and Tuesday but the event committee never responded. In short, we're being discriminated against."

Chairman Truss was quick to respond to suggestions of discrimination in this official written statement.

"The accusations of discrimination are absolutely ridiculous and the committee will vigorously defend its position on this matter. This isn't a case of discrimination, some applicants just didn't submit their ideas on the correct forms so we weren't obliged to consider them."

Truss went on to defend the event, "If there is a bias toward male homosexual entertainment it's more likely to do with old principle of bang for your buck rather than any deliberate attempt to exclude a particular group of people".

The official statement ended with, "Male homosexuals are born entertainers and this event is all about entertaining the public, it's a simple as that. As far as the committee is concerned, anyone who has a problem with that can quite frankly go f**k themselves."

The statement has since been withdrawn.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Places to live
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

A trawl through our ideas section revealed this. An aborted attempt to write a Places to Live guide. Maybe one day we'll actually finish it; but for now, enjoy this unedited guff.

Just a few hours in Haywards Heath is enough time for most people to decide, categorically, if they want to live here or not, such is the impression the town makes on its visitors. For this reason we at have decided to broaden our mission statement and include a long overdue guide to places to live.

Haywards Heath offers a range of housing options to suit almost every purse. If your purse is a bulging designer label purse you might want to consider the Lucastes or Muster Green areas of town. If your purse is someone else's purse you lifted from a carelessly guarded handbag then the Bentswood area of town might be more to your taste.

Every few months we'll be publishing a special report focusing on a particular place to live. In our first report we visit the Bolnore Village housing development, one of the newest places to live in Haywards Heath.

Bolnore Village

Just one look at the television schedules shows what a nation of nostalgics we are. From Heartbeat to other programs following the ups and downs of 1950s emergency or breakdown services, we all love a bit of yesteryear. It's no surprise that in our modern world of crack ridden prostitutes and stray dogs and cats we yearn for the simple untarnished pleasures of village life. And that's where the innovative solutions of property development master builders, Crest Nicholson, come in. Old style village style community spirit without old style health problems such as polio, TB and rickets.


And that was it. Probably for the best. But if you want more places to live - let us know. There are pictures of Bolnore Village in the pictures place.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

The Haywards Heath Society
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

It would seem that we are not alone in wishing to promote Haywards Heath as quite simply the most enchanting oasis in the south-east.

The Haywards Heath Society have a web site. It can be found at Not to be confused with

Really. We didn't do this one. Promise...

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Minor road works cause minor inconvenience
Category: Travel and Places

Minor road works half way up South Road caused minimal delays to some motorists for no more than two or three days this week. Expertly controlled 3 way traffic light systems managed the flow of traffic in both directions on South Road and allowed traffic to filter safely from that road with Iceland on it.

Making the most of the stationary traffic was Pets Corner who dazzled waiting motorists with an immaculate pyramid of attractively priced cat boxes in their main feature window.

The road works had something or other to do with water or possibly gas or another utility, said a self appointed spokesman.
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