Nightmare Council's Swift Action
1 year into its operational life the bypass roundabout has already
undergone major remedial works to cure the problem of errant parking
in one of its access roads, so concluded our recent drive by investigations.
When the bypass was originally constructed planners moved the
road some 15m due south effectively stranding two £600,000
properties, starving them of access to the public highway. In
a bold move an additional entry road was swiftly integrated into
the development restoring access to the period country houses
from the main road.
barley wider than an S-Class Mercedes the access road proved an
initial triumph, however due to a lack of parking restrictions the
£700,000 properties soon fell victim to rogue parking by nonresidents
causing blockages at least once every few months.
resident told us of a particularly horrifying incident, "I
was returning home from an antiques auction when I came across this
dreadful man blocking my access road by selfishly resuscitating
his dying mother right in front of my house. I was forced to squeeze
past with two wheels on the grass. Fortunately my Range Rover has
air suspension but can you imagine what might have happened if I'd
been in my Mercedes 500SL? I shudder to think".
to the needs of the community the council has taken innovative
steps to cure the problem. A team was dispatched last week to
paint double yellow lines around the perimeter of the road and
apply letters spelling 'KEEP CLEAR' to the road surface. The other
resident in the adjacent £800,000 house gave us this pool-side
comment, "It's clearly a triumph of expenditure over common
sense and I applaud the actions of the local Tory council. I'll
bet you one million pounds of my own money that President Blairs
wouldn't have come down here, rolled up his pornographic shirt
sleeves and painted these lines. But the council did."
a member of the local council to find out who approved the vital
works that cost approximately the same as a used but reliable
mobile library. The councilor, who cannot be named for sexual
reasons, had this to say, "Our local Tory MP Nicholas Soames
found £50,000 in the crack of his arse. So we spent it".
million house (not pictured, diamond mine in back garden)
to bypass report home page
fictional residents were interviewed for this report.