Parking Nightmare Council's Swift Action

Barely 1 year into its operational life the bypass roundabout has already undergone major remedial works to cure the problem of errant parking in one of its access roads, so concluded our recent drive by investigations. When the bypass was originally constructed planners moved the road some 15m due south effectively stranding two £600,000 properties, starving them of access to the public highway. In a bold move an additional entry road was swiftly integrated into the development restoring access to the period country houses from the main road.

Though barley wider than an S-Class Mercedes the access road proved an initial triumph, however due to a lack of parking restrictions the £700,000 properties soon fell victim to rogue parking by nonresidents causing blockages at least once every few months.
One resident told us of a particularly horrifying incident, "I was returning home from an antiques auction when I came across this dreadful man blocking my access road by selfishly resuscitating his dying mother right in front of my house. I was forced to squeeze past with two wheels on the grass. Fortunately my Range Rover has air suspension but can you imagine what might have happened if I'd been in my Mercedes 500SL? I shudder to think".

In response to the needs of the community the council has taken innovative steps to cure the problem. A team was dispatched last week to paint double yellow lines around the perimeter of the road and apply letters spelling 'KEEP CLEAR' to the road surface. The other resident in the adjacent £800,000 house gave us this pool-side comment, "It's clearly a triumph of expenditure over common sense and I applaud the actions of the local Tory council. I'll bet you one million pounds of my own money that President Blairs wouldn't have come down here, rolled up his pornographic shirt sleeves and painted these lines. But the council did."

We contacted a member of the local council to find out who approved the vital works that cost approximately the same as a used but reliable mobile library. The councilor, who cannot be named for sexual reasons, had this to say, "Our local Tory MP Nicholas Soames found £50,000 in the crack of his arse. So we spent it".

£1 million house (not pictured, diamond mine in back garden)


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Only fictional residents were interviewed for this report.